I have never really been friends with other females. I find them hard to trust and the cattiness it just tiring. So the few female friends that I have had were pretty laid back chicks.
When I was little I had no idea that adults lied. I have always been kind of gullible and naive. Over the years I have learned not to be so naive and trusting with others. People will turn on you so quick it will make your head spin.
When my husband and daughter were both diagnosed with cancer I was fine at first. (denial worked well for me) But as time has gone on the family and friends that were there have kind of drifted off. I know that everybody has their own life and their own worries but what the hell are family and friends for then? If not to be there when you really need them.
I have become a stuffer. I stuff how I am feeling deep down inside and try to just keep trucking along. But there comes a point when I can’t fit anymore anger and disappointment in there. I sought out counseling for myself and while it is nice, I’m not getting much out of it. I want somebody to talk to that loves me.
Since becoming a mom I haven’t made or kept friends. I just didn’t have the energy in the beginning to invest into another person and relationship. As a result I don’t really have any friends now. When I desperately need one the most. This lonliness is painful sometimes, there are things I want to say but I have nobody to talk to about it. Sure I could talk to Jimmy but should I really talk to him about my fears relating to his cancer? Tell him how I plan his funeral in my head? How I sit and think about what it will be like when he is dead?
I could talk to my mom but she exudes more empathy than I do. She is, after all a hospica nurse, a profession that requires buckets of empathy and caring. She even cries at commercials. I make it a point not to talk to her about things that I know will upset her. I love my mom and I can talk to her about anything but I fell like I am protecting her from the hurt that I am feeling if I don’t talk to her about it.
I could talk to my dad but he and I have never been “like that.” We can talk about politics and history all day long. But when it comes to feelings we both get a little uncomfortable.
I could talk to my sister but she is only 20. She doesn’t know what it feels like to have a child and the love that you feel for them. So she definitely cannot comprehend what it would feel like to have your child diagnosed with cancer.
So really, I don’t have anybody to talk to.
I did have a best friend but somewhere along the way we drifted apart. She has her life and I have mine. She was the one person that knew EVERYTHING about me and I knew everything about her. The cancer diagnosis jilted our friendship. I’m not sure if it was b/c it was too painful for her or she just didn’t know what to say. As time has gone on our discussions are few and far between. I find myself wanting to call her or e-mail but it would be useless.
I know that there are not tons of people in my situation but I would love to connect with someone who could relate maybe just a little? Or someone who wants to listen as has the time to invest? Am I expecting too much from my family and friends? I don’t feel like I am asking too much but the actions of others make me feel like I am.
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Let me just say first and foremost you are such a strong person. I know that you probably hear that a ton, but you really are. You are going through this cancer journey with your head high and confronting issues. You have 2 wonderful loving people in your life dealing with this at the same time. I can’t even begin to imagine.
I will say that I just want you to know that I will be an ear to listen. I just lost my mother to RCC about 2 months ago. The our journey was cut short by the horrible disease. I know the fear of planning a funeral in your head, and I know the reality of really having to do it.
In planning the funeral in your head, you are mentally preparing yourself for the what if’s in life. I did the same thing, and honestly it did make the process a little easier.
Each day the pain gets a little more real. I am not sure how life will go on, but all I can say is that I am doing my best to just live it one day at a time.
please feel free to email me and vent anytime you want to!! It will stay private between us I promise!!
I’m going to ask around at work and see if anyone knows someone who is going through something like you and if I find someone…I’ll send you their email address so you can connect. That would probably be a healthy thing for both of you!!
for now…I’ll jsut keep you and your family in my prayers!!
{SUPER BIG hug!!}
I am much older than you, but am going thru a trying time too, my Husband has Cll, just had a pacemaker/defibalator implanted, has had a 1/3 of his lung removed, and a kidney removed due to cancer and a triple bypass 30 years ago, and I , like you have thought so many times, “What would I do without him?”we have been married 55 years , he is so a part of my life, it is very hard to even think of what will happen some day.. I completely understand what you are going thru, and with your Child and Husband both so very ill, that has got to be almost unbearable…please feel free to e-mail me any time that you want to just “vent”…my prayers will go up for you and your family, and I know that prayers ARE answered, stay strong, “God Bless You”