I haven’t updated because there really isn’t anything new.

Kayla is trucking along in maintenance. She is currently on steroids and her steroid food is green bean casserole. She isn’t as picky this time around, she also likes lunchables as well.

Jimmy is good. He tried to start working out and it makes his port o cath hurt. he is frustrated that he has physical limitations. It seems that our mantra has become “It could be worse.” And that is so true. Take a second and think about your life, then think about the worst thing that could happen. Be thankful for what you have and appreciate it. Tomorrow is not promised.

I had a feeling today that I realized I hadn’t felt in quite a while

relief.

It turns out that the pneumonitis on Jimmy’s lungs was laying over the tumor so on a CAT scan it looked like the tumor had grown. But it has not grown. It is still dead, shriveled and lifeless. WOO HOO!

They did however find a new spot on the inside of his lung. It is too small to biopsy, so we just have to wait 4 months and then he will get another PET scan.

Thank you for all of your well wishes and prayers

So Jimmy’s PET scan is tomorrow. And then we will find out on Monday what is going on. I will be going with him and I am terrified. Either way I am going to cry. If it is good news I will cry out of happiness, if it is bad news I will cry out of sadness.

It’s almost like I can feel the clock ticking in my veins. All of a sudden I imagine us in the room waiting for the doctor to come in and it makes me very anxious. My hands sweat, my heart starts beating faster and I feel like I want to sob.

Kayla is doing fine since her surgery. She can’t wait for the stitches to heal so that she can take a bath.

Oh and I actually have good news for once! We are going to Disneyworld! Through Kid’s Wish Network, Kayla’s wish was granted. We will be going in July (If all is well).

I have never really been friends with other females. I find them hard to trust and the cattiness it just tiring. So the few female friends that I have had were pretty laid back chicks.

When I was little I had no idea that adults lied. I have always been kind of gullible and naive. Over the years I have learned not to be so naive and trusting with others. People will turn on you so quick it will make your head spin.

When my husband and daughter were both diagnosed with cancer I was fine at first. (denial worked well for me) But as time has gone on the family and friends that were there have kind of drifted off. I know that everybody has their own life and their own worries but what the hell are family and friends for then? If not to be there when you really need them.

I have become a stuffer. I stuff how I am feeling deep down inside and try to just keep trucking along. But there comes a point when I can’t fit anymore anger and disappointment in there. I sought out counseling for myself and while it is nice, I’m not getting much out of it. I want somebody to talk to that loves me.

Since becoming a mom I haven’t made or kept friends. I just didn’t have the energy in the beginning to invest into another person and relationship. As a result I don’t really have any friends now. When I desperately need one the most. This lonliness is painful sometimes, there are things I want to say but I have nobody to talk to about it. Sure I could talk to Jimmy but should I really talk to him about my fears relating to his cancer? Tell him how I plan his funeral in my head? How I sit and think about what it will be like when he is dead?

I could talk to my mom but she exudes more empathy than I do. She is, after all a hospica nurse, a profession that requires buckets of empathy and caring. She even cries at commercials. I make it a point not to talk to her about things that I know will upset her. I love my mom and I can talk to her about anything but I fell like I am protecting her from the hurt that I am feeling if I don’t talk to her about it.

I could talk to my dad but he and I have never been “like that.” We can talk about politics and history all day long. But when it comes to feelings we both get a little uncomfortable.

I could talk to my sister but she is only 20. She doesn’t know what it feels like to have a child and the love that you feel for them. So she definitely cannot comprehend what it would feel like to have your child diagnosed with cancer.

So really, I don’t have anybody to talk to.

I did have a best friend but somewhere along the way we drifted apart. She has her life and I have mine. She was the one person that knew EVERYTHING about me and I knew everything about her. The cancer diagnosis jilted our friendship. I’m not sure if it was b/c it was too painful for her or she just didn’t know what to say. As time has gone on our discussions are few and far between. I find myself wanting to call her or e-mail but it would be useless.

I know that there are not tons of people in my situation but I would love to connect with someone who could relate maybe just a little? Or someone who wants to listen as has the time to invest? Am I expecting too much from my family and friends? I don’t feel like I am asking too much but the actions of others make me feel like I am.

I try to stay positive. Even if I am feeling down, I try not to let it show in my posts.

But I have to be quite honest…I fall like I am drowning.

From the time I wake up, until the time I go to bed; I feel like I am going to cry. I have a knot in my throat constantly.

My mind has officially betrayed me. I will be sitting and all of a sudden I imagine what it will be like when Jimmy dies. I start to think about what I would say in his eulogy. I think about what kind of song he wants played at his funeral. It makes me numb. I can’t imagine life without him.

I never worried about Jimmy’s cancer before. We heard that it is common and very treatable. And considering that Kayla’s appointments where the same time as his, he would go to his and I would go with Kayla.

I am devastated. His tumor has grown and they don’t know why. He is scheduled to get a PET scan sometime in the next 2 – 3 weeks. So until then, it is like wandering in the dark.

I have been meaning to post more. Life kind of got in the way.

Hospital stay #18.

Kayla was in the hospital for 5 days with a port-o-cath infection. She was sent home with heavy duty anti-biotics. She has an appointment to go see her doctor on Wednesday. They are going to take another blood culture. I am praying that it is negative. Her doctor said that if it comes back positive one more time that they are going to remove it.

That freaks me out for a few reasons. 1. She would have to get her arm poked every time they needed to do labs or chemo. 2. What if she gets sick again? How would they keep an IV in her arm for an extended amount of time? Jimmy and I talked it over and we decided that if it comes to that, we will see how she does with the arm poke and if it is just too much for her then we will have them place another port in the other side.

Staying in the hospital is probably one of the only times I am actually calm. I know that she is in the safest place that she can be. It is also extremely boring. You literally sit there in the hospital chair for the whole day. You also sleep in the chair. It’s so super fun to try to sleep in that chair, let alone the room. It’s a given that you will be woken up at least 5 times or more. Machines beeping, nurses checking the toilets and then flushing them, waking her up to take medicine, waking her up to take vitals.

It’s nice to know that at any time there could be a person in the room. I hope I don’t sleep with my mouth open.

That place is just so sad. Bald heads everywhere, parents that look like they are in a daze. Kayla shared a room with a 16 year old girl that had a tumor on her ovary. She was as sweet as pie. She would play candy land with Kayla and bring her lunch over to Kayla’s side so that they could eat together. Even though she was in a lot of pain from her surgery. Best room mate so far.

Welcome again to Monday Mingle hosted and sponsored by our friend Jen over at EightyMPHMom.com. Monday Mingle is a great way to meet some bloggers, learn to vlog on your own. I am off to see some other minglers, hope you are one of them!

1. Do your kids have chores? Do you pay them to do chores?
2. Were you in Girl Scouts/Brownies or Boy Scouts? Are your kids? Favorite Girl Scout Cookie?
3. Does your family go camping? If so, do you have a funny/interesting experience?

I know that Kayla has to take steroids because they help fight leukemia cells, but the side effects are insane.

I am going insane.

Kayla even told me in her won words “I can’t control it Mommy. My brain wants to eat more funions.”

What the hell am I supposed to do with that?

 Her dr. told us that this is the time that we need to be careful with what foods she eats. He told us that this is the time when kids gain weight and might not lose it. It could carry over into adulthood. He specifically told us (and Kayla) “NO CHIPS!” It doesn’t matter how many times we remind her of what her doctor said, she is obsessed.

 She will be taking steroids 5 days out of every month until next April. I have explained to her numerous times about how bad funions are (in mass quantities)

At 6 did you grasp the concept of healthy food vs. crap food? Did you care? Because even though we tell her that they are bad, it is all she wants. We make her eat something in between the bowls of funions. More times than not she chooses grapes or a banana.

The thing that we learned about steroids and the side effects is that she can’t help it. The kids develop an obsession with food. The cravings with Kayla are very specific. We have gone through McDonald’s cheeseburgers, pizza, olives, croutons with ranch on the side and funions. She has craved funions the most.

Earlier today she was crying to me and telling me that she was so hungry and she couldn’t control it. I just held her and told her that I know it’s hard for her and that she is doing a very good job trying to control it. She has already finished a whole large bag, so she is not starving. It takes everything in me to not just give in and give her what she wants. By the end of the day I am so over hearing about funions. She asks me every 5 minutes. and the whining goes on and on. When she gets her bowl of funions she devours it like she hasn’t eaten in days.

Besides what we are already doing there isn’t much we can do. All I have heard is “I’m hungry, I want funions.” over and over and over and over.

I know that this is a dumb thing to complain about, considering that it could be way worse.

 But still, damn those steroids.

Eating out does not have to be bland and boring. Coco’s Bakery Restaurant is expanding it’s menu offerings to include a tantalizing new line of appetizers brimming with fresh flavors and seasonal ingredients. And to create the perfect taste combination, each appetizer has been perfectly paired with a California wine – including selections made from organic grapes — or sangria.

Coco’s all-new appetizer offerings include a full assortment of mouth-watering light bites. From warm macadamia-crusted Brie to country-style pork pate flavored with brandy, from premium Genoa salami to stacks of fresh Mozzarella, tomatoes and basil, these appetizers give diners new reasons to re-discover one of America’s favorite restaurants. Paired libations include California chardonnays and cabernet sauvignons made with organic grapes, as well as a selection of merlots, white zinfandels and signature Sangria Frescas in tropical flavors.

I looked at the menu and this is definitely what I would order. It is called “The Works Platter.” It is a shareable platter of southern style chicken strips, mozzarella sticks, onion straws and crispy green bean sticks, served with marinara sauce and Coco’s Bakery Original House Dressing. I have never tried green bean sticks before but by the looks of them I am sure that I will love them.

In addition to its new appetizer and wine offerings, Coco’s continues to dish up old-fashioned favorites, including pies made by bakers who rise at the crack of dawn, steaming, fresh-baked bread baskets served with real butter, and hot, fresh-roasted cups of premium organic fair trade coffee from the Chiapas region of Mexico.

WIN IT:

A $15 gift card to Coco’s Bakery Restaurant

TO ENTER:

- Look at the menu and tell me what you would order

- Follow me on Twitter

- Tweet about this giveaway (make sure to put @adveninmomland in your tweet) you can tweet daily.

Giveaway ends March 20, 2010.

My family and I recently received a copy of “Curious George 2 – Follow That Monkey”

He’s back and still as curious as ever.

Curious George 2 – Follow that Monkey is the new animated sequel from the hit animated movie. Curious George and The Man with the Yellow Hat set out on a madcap cross-country adventure to reunite Kayla, a homesick elephant, with her family. As with all of the Curious George stories this one is full of mischief and lessons learned. They are traveling cross country, in and out of trains, and trucks, and even by foot on this journey, only be to caught for elephant napping, and brought back to New York!

I was really excited when this movie came. It was snowing and the kids were being crazy! I put the movie in right away and they were instantly transfixed. I DVR the Curious George episodes, so they already know what George is all about. Kayla loves that the elephant’s name is Kayla and they play their favorite scenes over and over. I loved Curious George as a child and my grandparents actually called me George when I was little. They said that I was always into things, so it fit.

There are some great bonus features:

- Two never before seen bonus shows from an all new season!

- Curious George’s Cross Country Caper Game.

- Coloring pages to print out and wallpaper

Curious George 2 – Follow that Monkey will be available on March 2, 2010. It’s is rated G and wide screen. The total running time is 81 minutes. For more information about Curious George you can go to www.curiousgeorge.com.

WIN IT!

- A copy of “Curious George 2 – Follow that Monkey”

- The soundtrack to the movie

- Curious George 2 puzzle and mask

- 2 children’s Amtrack tickets (with paid adult fare) US residents only

TO ENTER:

- Post a photo of your mischievous baby acting up like Curious George or a memory  of a time that they acted like him.

- Follow me on Twitter

- Tweet about this giveaway

- Blog about this giveaway

- You can also tweet daily (just make sure to put @adveninmomland in your tweet)

Giveaway ends March 19, 2010.